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Adda B Say So: Dangerously Single

By Fatima Zahra Umar

(Warning: This is a satire! Stop reading now if you don’t know what that means)

Are you carrying your single status on top of your head like a new hairstyle? Are you flaunting it for all to see? Are you living your life as if all is well with you? Are you saying things like: “Aure na Allah ne”? Are your aunties always lamenting your marital status? Are you well educated? Do you have a good job? Are you constantly assaulted by suggestions of men you should marry? Are all your friends married? Are you still going on dates? Are you still dressing up for zance?

If you answered yes to all the above, my dear sister you are afflicted with the deadly ailment of being dangerously single in Arewa. It is a very terrible condition that you have. Do not fret! As you already know Adda B has your back. Do not panic ladies; it is not a hopeless situation. Now that we know the symptoms, let us get to the treatment. I am a doctor of sorts because a lot of my close friends and family are doctors, you are in safe hands.

First things first, you have to make sure you announce to everybody that you are single and searching, I mean aggressively searching. You must join your aunties in lamenting your single situation. Make sure to garnish your lamentation with statements like: “Ni na rasa yadda zan yi”

Secondly, make sure you keep any standards you have aside. Anyone who happens to be an adult male should be welcome to court you. No scratch that, you do not want to be courted ke aure kawai kike so! So he should just move on to meet the parents let us do the damn thing. After all you can learn to love him and know him after the nikah. What is the use of having a relationship with a man when you can marry him? What is the point of getting to know somebody when you have literally the rest of your life to get to know him? All this relationship that white people have forced on us is responsible for your being single. Is not by standard that all your friends married fa! And at your age and station in life it would be suicidal for you to be choosy about men. Rebuke that spirit of relationship in your life today my sister! Marry HIM (before another desperate girl will entice him). Men that want fast marriage they don’t like all this standard talk fa, tuck in your standards and marry that man. Me za a yi da standard when miji ya zo? He doesn’t have to be employed or responsible because even drug addicts need wives.

Ehen, do not forget to pursue this thing from the spiritual angle fa! You must fast every Monday and Thursday for a husband to come out and marry you. You have to also spend long nights in prayer (make sure everyone knows about this). Don’t be lazy; you have to put in the hard work for your marriage to come. A mark on your forehead will be the icing on the cake so everyone can know how hard you’ve been praying for a husband. You can achieve this mark by making your sujud on rough spots… (Wink) When the marriage comes you can rest.

If fasting and standing in prayer is too much for you, do not worry there are other ways. If you a serious single babe you will be serious about your malamai. In fact after the age of 25 you must have your own personal malam if truly you are serious about getting married. So get yourself a malam, preferably one from Zaria or ningi(those ones are experts in securing marriage) that will cast spells and bind the common sense spirit that is causing delay in your marriage. Make sure you drink up all the rubutu, make sure you rub all the man farin jini… in fact they even have wrappers that guarantee marriage after two weeks of being worn. Don’t be left out! Call your malam NOW.

What if the marriage doesn’t work out? Why should we care if the marriage will work out or not? Let us get you married first then we can worry about working out. After all marriage is patience and you have been patient for 28 years waiting for a husband. Don’t you know that you must make your marriage work? The only place worse than where you are now is being in your late 20s and divorced; you won’t see husband o! Don’t say I didn’t tell you. Stay with your husband like that. At all at all na im bad pass. At least you will have a husband and people will respect you. Even if your husband is a useless unemployed burden, he is still a husband and your husband is next to God. Patience is the medicine for all ailments my dear.

I hope I have been able to confuse you with these few points of mine to rush and get married. Please don’t forget to serve Ribena at your wedding and please don’t invite me. Thank you and God Bless

Follow me on twitter @tinkizee2

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