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Adda B Say So:Happy Wife=Happy Life

By Fatima Zahra Umar

You can find the perfect person for you, but he still won’t be a perfect person. And you’re not a perfect person. A good marriage will force each of you to deal with your issues and work on yourselves to be better because in the right marriage, you want to be your best self not just for your sake but because you’re accountable to him and you don’t want to cause him any hurt and pain. But the path to becoming your best self isn’t always a smooth one. There are bumps, potholes, ditches  and sharp turns. And that’s OK. It’s normal in fact. And that’s what no one tells you about good marriages.

There’s a famous expression that goes happy life, happy wife. It doesn’t exist because it rhymes…it actually, as it happens, is the truth. Many studies have demonstrated that when a woman is happy, her man is happy. This has several reasons but mainly, a man has an instinctive drive to protect and provide for you and he wants to make you happy. One of the main determining factors for a man when it comes to commitment is whether he can make a woman happy or not. If he feels like he can’t, he will never commit. If he knows he can, he will want to devote his life to putting a smile on her face.

Mood management is the most important marriage skill. When you bring a happy, positive mood to your interactions with him, it’s contagious and he feels happy and content as well. And when a man is feeling happy and empowered, he wants to do more and give more and be more of what she wants.

When I say listen, I mean listen completely. Listen with your ears and listen with your gut. When your attention is 100% on him (and not on your internal fears, insecurities , worries, anger, etc.) then you’ll pick up the whole message… sometimes with your ears, sometimes with your gut. Whatever he’s thinking / feeling is already what it is… so really it’s just a matter of giving him space to communicate it to you… not through hints or allusions, but through him simply saying it. From there, you’ll have clear information and you can make a decision on whether or not his reason is a problem for you and what you’re going to do about it. I’m not saying you should agree with what he says, but it is important to at least try to understand it and have an open mind.

Let him speak and express what’s on his mind and be open to hearing his point of view, even if it’s counter to your own or isn’t what you were hoping to hear. Don’t blame or attack him for feeling the way he does, just acknowledge what he’s saying and tell him you understand where he’s coming from (and  try to do this genuinely).

Don’t let your emotions control you, be logical and straightforward. I’m not saying emotions are a bad thing, we’re women and our capacity to feel and express our emotions is also our greatest strength, but it’s just important to remember that men aren’t wired the same way and in some instances, coming from a  place to strong emotion can cause your message to get lost in all the anger and emotion. Relax, think things through before speaking. Don’t jump to conclusions without having all the facts, so it’s better to  speak in a manner he will understand and be able to process.

It’s only when a man feels defeated or feels like a loser who can’t make his woman happy that he retreats and doesn’t do those loving behaviors. Maybe you think it isn’t fair that you have to bring the positivity, but the fact is, the only person you can control is you. You will never be able to control him no matter what you do…all you can do is inspire him.

Now is that not infinitely better than controlling him?

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