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Adda B Say So:To Hold Or Not To Hold That Is The Husband

By Fatima Zahra Umar

It seems the backbone of marriages these days is the action and efficacy of the Kayan Mata you consume. According to those who know, it makes your husband love you (like he isn’t supposed to love you in the first place), it makes your husband to dash you money and presents everytime he sees you and other miraculous things ( I really thought husbands were meant to give you presents and money )

According to those that know, these kayan mata  are herbal concoctions and mixes that enhance the experience of intimacy between married couples, the natural way. These concoctions /medicines  also allegedly mesmerize husbands and bring them under the wish and command of their wives.

The trend on social media these days, especially on Instagram, is to see a vendor of Kayan Mata and her customers’ testimonies confirming the efficacy of her ‘goods’. There is a particular vendor on Instagram, whose customer testimonies are so mind blowing! I remember seeing a screenshot of her client’s testimony saying her ( the client’s) husband who was notoriously  very stingy just gave her a brand new car and a designer handbag worth millions of naira! All because she used a particular product called “Karya Gado”. Other testimonies all praise the quality and efficacy of the kayan mata in disciplining errant cheating husbands with side chicks. Some even claim to ensure total control of the husband as they turn him into a willing slave(that one is called power steering).

The story seems rosy enough; gulp down some concoctions and like magic, your husband is eating out of the palm of your hands, you become the pearl of his heart and the apple of his eye ….  he becomes your slave and you become a sexual tigress…  Fair Enough! After all he is your husband right? The other side of the coin is that the use of some of these concoctions and mixtures could cause harmful side effects.   Dr Hauwa Musa Abdullahi, A consultant gynaecologist with many years of experience lectured me on the risks of vaginal infections and diseases when these herbs/mixes/concoctions are used indiscriminately. It could actually get so bad that a woman’s fallopian tubes become blocked. She also talked about these herbs and mixtures interfering with the natural functions and processes of the vagina, thereby causing havoc, most especially those that require insertion.

According to the experts  every woman ought to make Kayan Mata a part of her daily routine because it enhances a woman’s natural endowments. As far as they are concerned, a woman must utilise Kayan Mata if she wants to optimally enjoy her husband. They also insist that it is in the interest of every wife to ‘hold’ her husband and protect him from other women outside.

But wouldn’t it be unfair if your husband has other wives? I mean imagine if all these things work and your husband only has eyes for you, all fine and good but what about the others? The others that are equal to you in status and rights as his wives? What about them?  Why do we even obsess so much about controlling our husbands? If you want someone to control why did you not marry a toy? What is the joy in controlling your husband while he neglects the other wives in his life? I just do not get it. Why put yourself through so much stress because of a man, and end up being unfair to others? If you are not careful, you will incur God’s wrath in your quest to control your husband.

But wait…

How come, we the women are the ones hoisted with the responsibility of keeping our homes together? How come we are the ones responsible for our men not ‘straying’?  I just cannot understand how as a wife, I am responsible for my husband’s deliberate actions to be loose and lascivious. I just cannot see how that is my responsibility as his wife. According to those who know, you must do all you can to protect your man from chasing other women outside or else you have failed as a woman.

All this clamour for Kayan Mata stems from the belief that the successful woman is the one who ‘holds her man’ and keeps him in check. For God’s sake nothing you do will stop someone who has determined that he wants to be a philanderer from philandering. Despite the fact that those who know insist that these concoctions work, they also admit a philanderer is a philanderer. So what are we saying?

We northern women just can’t catch a break. We are expected  to cook excellent meals, keep our houses spotlessly clean , manage the economics of the house, remain paragons of beauty at all times, raise impeccably behaved kids, have great sex, be neat, be fertile, maintain our figures and still manage to have a career of sorts… and yet we are the ones who nurture the pregnancies and bear the children and still we must remain pristine or else our men will stray! Doesn’t it seem like we have been set up to meet an impossible standard?

Haba na only we waka come?

I have to ask this question: is a satisfactory intimate relationship solely the responsibility of a woman in a marriage? I am just tired of the standards that our society has put on women; wives especially ; the unspoken rule to be perfect at all times else it would be their fault if the husband chooses to behave like a petulant child is enforced as if it was a divine rule from the Almighty.

Every time you hear a cleric on the radio he seems to be advising women on how to be good wives and on and on it continues ad nauseam. Everyone knows exactly what you have to do to be an excellent wife but no one seems to be talking about what men should be doing to be excellent husbands.

Who will protect our women from using concoctions that might harm them since nobody seems to be bothered that our men committing fornication and adultery is actually a major sin? Who will teach our men to be responsible for their reckless behaviour? Who will teach and lecture our husbands on how best to fulfill their obligations? When will they stop ignoring the example of my beloved Prophet SAW on being an excellent husband?

Until then I will be in my corner sipping Ribena and praying for my sisters.


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