Adda B Say So:What Is Love?
By Fatima Zahra Umar
What Is Love?
In these times, our minds have completely been bombarded with unrealistic and unhealthy images about what love should be that we have developed an idea of what love should be that is unrealistic and wrong. This is actually not a recent phenomenon, just watch old Disney movies (Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty all have unhealthy premises yet are passed off as fairy tales of true love). Remember how all those songs by Brandy and Celine Dion had you wishing you were completely submerged in love with another? Or those ridiculous Mills and Boons (correct me if I am wrong) novels that had ugly white men with long hair on the cover that depicted all sorts of unrealistic love stories. I hope those novels have been banned for the sake of humanity.
What is Love?
Real love is boring; tragic, unlikely, intense and demands sacrifice, patience and forgiveness.
We have this expectation of a spark that ignites into an all-consuming fire that makes us feel more alive than ever before. If we don’t feel this intensity with a guy, we write him off because we want to experience in real life that which we’ve only experienced vicariously through fictional characters.
What Is Love?
It’s not just about the movies and media, Women have also adopted this idea that it’s “better to be alone than settle.” As a result, they close themselves off to guys with amazing potential just because of some superficial flaw that rules him out as her dream man.
It’s okay to have standards and to have an idea of the kind of guy you want to be with, but it’s also important to be a little flexible and realize that you might not get every single thing you want and that doesn’t mean you’re settling.
Maybe you don’t like his job, maybe you don’t like the way he dresses, maybe he has bad dentition, or he even speaks English like a villager. This might all be true, but it’s also important to realize that these things don’t tell you who he is, and who he is might be a really wonderful, kind, caring person. Probably even better than the unrealistic fantasy in your head.
What Is Love?
A lot of women have a vision of the man they’d like to marry. They hold this vision tightly as if it was Holy Scripture, any man not resembling that vision is ignored/dismissed. This sort of thinking is what leads women to say things like: “He is a great guy but gaskiya he is not my type”.
Aunty it is not by ‘type’ o!
It’s fine to know what you want, but it becomes problematic when you dismiss any guy who doesn’t fit that mold. When you think about it, it is actually quite unfair to demand that a man must fit the idea that you have in your head of who he should be; what he should dress like, what job he has to have, what car he drives, how he should talk etc. I mean you didn’t create him and he does not he live in your head. Haba!
So what’s the solution?
First, make a list of non-negotiable qualities a husband should have. This does not include things like what type of car he drives or how much money he makes. A lot of money won’t make for a happy marriage, neither will a 2016 C Class Benz.
Get clear on the abilities that make someone top quality husband material. For You. Let me give you assignment: Try and come up with 5-10 items on the list that determines if he is husband material or not. Trust me you will save yourself a lot of heartache in the future by taking this list seriously. Remember the list is only on serious qualities like honesty, consistency etc. not rubbish like if he is on Instagram.
Next, when you meet a man and you just don’t feel that crazy all-consuming thunder bolt, don’t write him off. Unless there was something that absolutely repulsed you about him, give him a chance. A lot of women are too quick to dismiss a guy before really giving him a fair chance to prove himself. We want the amazing, epic romance. There’s nothing amazing or epic about having a lukewarm interaction with a guy. It may not sound romantic, but I know many couples who didn’t feel much of a spark or a connection on the first few dates and are now happily married.
What I’m saying is to be a bit more open and stop stacking every potential suitor against the dream unrealistic Celine Dion inspired guy you have in your mind because no actual person can ever compete with a fantasy.
What Is Love?
Love is having a very cold Ribena after a long hard day of writing because Adda B Say So!