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Cruising Single Episode 1

By Fatima Abubakar & Fatima Zahra Umar

Permit me to say with certainty that the hallmark of being single is the adventurous exploration of possible suitors. It’s very exciting, maddening and exasperating sometimes, yes, but fun nonetheless, especially if you have a ‘thing’ for attracting a certain ‘clientele’, lol. Those ‘in your face and on your nerves’ type boys? Hmmm, you’ve entered one chance. I tell you! One time, I thought to myself, ‘these ones just come and take up space, they even scare the potential boos away’, jump and pass! Mtsssw.

As happy single girls, (ehn we’re happy, doesn’t mean we’re not looking to marry now…) with open minds and eyes, we meet all caliber of men. All o! The sweet ones, the stingy ones, the comedians, the boring to no end ones, the wild ones, the straightforward ones, the liars, the wannabes, the broke ones, and the faithful bunch! We’ve met them all, be it as it may, they’re not entirely worthless, because there is always one thing to learn or another, even if the knowledge is ‘how not to encounter the same kind of man!’

In whatever class the men happen to fit into, I’ve realized that they all look to find a “good girl”, even the ones who sprang from the pit of hell, yes, they want good girls too.. I wonder who they’ll leave the bad ones for, when karma is wide awake and sipping on payback time! Somehow like I always like to say, “like has a way of making sure everyone is attented to.”

My experiences have been worth my while. The ride is stupendous! And I’m glad I’ve encountered them (not to the last one oo), but overall, I think it is all worth it. I’ll take a walk with you through these amazing characters of mine, one by one.

The Stingy One

People recount certain experiences about relationships, how to keep a man, how to get his attention, how to woo him and make him only yours, well, I was with this guy and all I sought after was the right information and advice on how to make him flee. Like make him run for his life! I heard different things from different people, “Don’t pick his calls”, “Shout him off”, “Just tell him you want out!” Out? Was I in before? See me see trouble! Well, all these methods weren’t working, as I realized, the more uninterested a girl seems, the harder the chase becomes.

An sha wuya! Like how will a grown man just become a tick and grow thick skin against wulakanci? Still baffles me till this moment. Oh well, you want something, you gotta go for it, and so I didn’t stop trying to find ways to solve the problem of being in a relationship with a man who just doesn’t see that he’s in it alone. Wait? Does that even make sense? Lol! I didn’t want this man hovering around my life like a monitoring spirit from the marine world! He would call and want to drive me around, no man, leave it, I was game and good entering keke napep or hopping one okada to another. It would’ve been a good idea to have a driver, but not him! Even the Bible says “seek and you shall find”, well I found a way o. It wasn’t easy but it worked.

First, I had a hard time coming to terms with what I had to do, but then, I had to do it. He was stingy. Very stingy. Like really really stingy. Even Top Bond glue was learning work where this man was ! I didn’t have a problem because really I didn’t need anything from him. Until one day, talking to a ‘brutal friend’ of mine – yeah, we all got them evil ones, this one was handy!

“See, stingy men hate demanding girls, start asking him for money. Like a lot, do it, ask him for recharge card, for anko, for Agbalumo, for everything”. She said! I laughed, really hard, ‘for agbalumo?’ “Stay there and be laughing, you’ll get him off your back in a week!” I thought long and hard, is it this one that will send recharge card or pay for asoebi? When he’ll pick me up and buy one bottle of water for himself, then ask me moments later “zaki sha ruwan ne?” Ina ansa shi, toh kuma kun ansa kenan, I’ll just throw my face one side and do yimu.

Days after thinking, I tried o. We started small, he said he was coming and I asked for Agbalumo. I think he brought three or four pieces, gave me and still licked one out of it. Then we grew to recharge card… One time he said “if it’s me you want to call, don’t worry I’ll be calling you” I almost lost balance because of shock! Then the final one came… I told him I needed money for asoebi! He was quiet for almost a minute over the phone. What he said next shocked me, he sighed, then asked “nawa kike so?” my jaw dropped, and I was lost for words because to start with, the asoebi tale was a lie. He asked again, how much I needed and I said 25k. He shouted o! “kai, kece amaryar?” No now, you didn’t just say that. I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t. So finally I said “that’s the price, if you’re not paying, that’s okay!” then I hung up.

The money for asoebi came in about two weeks later in a white envelope, some old 1k notes, very old and tired. I collected, said thank you. Excited, I called my friend abi na accomplice and told her. She was as shocked as I was, then she said “count am”. Lol. I did, and hey! The asoebi money was incomplete, the old notes were exactly 15 pieces.

I don’t know what my guy thought about o, but two days after, he called and sounded distressed. I asked what it was and he sighed “kinsan weekend ne, ATM’s are unable to dispense cash, please a cikin kudin nan, ki bani aron 5k, by Monday, I’ll return it”. Fam, I burst into a hysterical laugh! To his hearing, it annoyed him. Then what was worse, I said “kudin fa bai cika ba dama, kuma kace in sake baka, inaa, bazan bayar ba”. He hissed and hung up, and it’s safe to say that was the last time he ever called.

Even now, writing this, I’m laughing! I ran into his friend weeks later and he told me how displeased his friend was. Apparently, he said he was “testing” me to see if I only wanted his money and that once I got a “lump sum”, I changed. The conversation with his friend also ended up with me laughing and him being confused as to why I had nothing to say in my defence. I narrated the asoebi incidence to him, fam, he blurted, “wannan dai wawa ne, ki bashi aro kuma?”

Ah, na you call am mumu, me wetin concern me? Test for a whole year and you can’t buy me water after a day’s lecture in a hot climate? Please carry your test and be going! Na dai ci kudin asoebi! Kuma na kore shi!! This man saw me months after and was still eyed me. If looks could kill, I’d have died seven deaths by just that one stare. I hear about stingy guys, but this one is legendary. I still haven’t met anything like him other stingy guys I know have shame, they at least buy you water when they buy theirs, or not eat out of the agbalumo they bring.

If you have a stingy guy try this method and see!

In wani yayi rawa a kasuwa ya samu kudi… Wani in yayi duka zai sha!



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