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Cruising Single:The Dangerous One

By Fateemah Abubakar & Fatima Zahra Umar

One evening, I met a guy called Imran. Handsome Boy with a  beautiful name, until he ruined it for me with his pseudonym ‘dangerous’, which apparently, was more popular than his actual name, then I realised when he started talking that he was utterly drunk, trust me, I zoomed off! (I can’t come and go and kill myself!)

We met again, one afternoon and he appeared to be in his right senses. He beckoned with his hand for me to come, but I was very reluctant. He noticed and I felt a bit embarrassed by my actions when he got to me apologising profusely for the day we met, and pleaded for a chance to redeem himself in my eyes. I gave him my number, and we walked to my house.

Trust me to gist mummy about it!

My phone went on a ringing spree for the night and a few days after. Sometimes I would answer, sometimes, I would enjoy my ringtone.  I started to ask myself : “who send you?”

Dangerous would call me and say everything and anything  to see me!  This kain tenacity? I gave in. Asked him to come to my house after maghrib and he showed up. I was welcomed by a very pungent reek of alcohol just as I opened the gate, and an insane attempt to hug me! I dodged it the way Arsenal dodges success! I couldn’t believe it, he was drunk, again! I felt like a fool, how I assumed the first time was an accident is a miracle to me. But honestly, he’s more than fun when he’s drunk.

Forgive me O Lord!

Dangerous is a rich kid (manbaby) who’s spoilt to the ‘T’ but very unassuming. His first problem was drinking, and the second one which is bigger than the drinking is that he sees nothing wrong with it, he told me: “shan giya ba iskanci bane”. He spoke like a monarch, slowly, and you know the trips of high now…. Lol. I liked the way he spoke slowly and deliberately though he didn’t make sense often. He made me laugh so we became good friends. Sometimes he would visit drunk, other times, sometimes sober with clear vision. I never knew drinking was such a useless thing until one evening he came and kept banging our gate! It was so loud, and so unruly, mum came to the gate herself. I followed behind, only for her to open and I saw him. In my mind, I screamed a thousand times “e don happen!” He was dead drunk. Oh ni Fatima! He saw her and went down with all humility to greet her. I was shocked. He introduced himself to her as her in-law! I wanted so bad for someone to lend me wings to just fly and go! The accusatory look that came my way from mummy made my intestines dry. That’s how this drunk boy kept telling my mum how in love with me he was, and how he wanted us to be married as soon as possible. If anything untied the knots of malaise in my belly, it was the hysterical laugh mum burst into. I clearly remember her asking “yarinyan nawa zaka aura?”

His courage was admirable, because he answered, “eh mana mama, don’t worry, in ta aure ni zan daina shan giya, zata gyara ni, nifa ba dan iska bane”. It was at that point she realised he was insane, so she turned back and left me standing. I begged him to leave and never come back, it’s not this kind of wahala I need in my life. Brother I don’t trouble, just come and be going!!

 

I went back in with a face saying “just don’t talk mummy, I can’t explain”, but she saw me and started laughing, ” mai  kala kala, a ina kuma kika samo wannan?”. She couldn’t stop laughing, then got serious and honestly got perplexed by his saying I’d ‘change’ him after marriage. She went on and on about how wrong it was to marry ladies off to damaged men in the hope of changing them. She went from warning and admonishing me, to teasing and imitating him so swiftly that it lasted almost the whole night. She asked for his name, I said ‘dangerous’, and her ‘a’uzubillahi’ almost made me choke! I’m sure she spent that night on her feet praying for me!  Bless her sweet soul.

Sometimes, the devil clearly uses my  head to dance skelewu! Dangerous didn’t stop coming, so I took it upon myself to start preaching to him about his habits. If it wouldn’t “change” him, maybe it would push him away! None happened, he didn’t stop knocking our gate, and he didn’t stop drinking, matter of fact, he started calling me “Ummah”, that’s what he calls his mum! One day I talked and talked about drinking for over two hours, his head was down, I was jumping in my head thinking he was feeling the impact of my talk, only for him to stun me with his epic response:”are you done, Ummah? I told you, marry me and change me, kin tsaya nan wai kina mun wa’azi, giya shine iskanci? Bana bin matar wani, bana sata, in fact, you’re lucky I’m not gay!”

See gbese o! I’m even the one who’s lucky! Dangerous stuck to me like lies on a new drug addict. On one of his sane days, he called his grandma and had me talk to her, the old woman actually believed I was his girlfriend, she said “yace kina hakuri dashi, I know that, being with Imran one needs patience, in kuka yi aure….” Sorry o grandma, I hung up! God forbid, I didn’t wait to hear what she had to say, and I also asked myself if he used to drink and give her small! God forgive me! Another time he said I should talk to his mum. The look I gave him ensured that talk never came up again!  Imran Dangerous actually became dangerous, the boy became a threat to my sanity! He became like a shadow to me, once I threatened to have him seriously beaten up by my seven brothers, and he said ‘I’ve befriended two, I’ll soon tell them we’re in love!”

I didn’t know what to say to beat that so I kept walking and like a tail, he kept “wagging” behind me and asking me to marry him “kina wani yi kaman baki sona”. Oh ni Patu! I stopped and asked him if I looked like a rehab to him, he said “no, you look like a wife, my wife, my savoir” as much as I wanted to help him, I couldn’t do that to myself! I created a barrier between us with the help of my brother (the very muscular one) who warned him well well for me! I can’t shout! I cannot come and go and kill myself.

Me my own is that you cannot be any one’s savior! Your last name is not Jesus! Remember that and keep it moving.

One evening, I met a guy called Imran. Handsome Boy with a  beautiful name, until he ruined it for me with his pseudonym ‘dangerous’, which apparently, was more popular than his actual name, then I realised when he started talking that he was utterly drunk, trust me, I zoomed off! (I can’t come and go and kill myself!)

We met again, one afternoon and he appeared to be in his right senses. He beckoned with his hand for me to come, but I was very reluctant. He noticed and I felt a bit embarrassed by my actions when he got to me apologising profusely for the day we met, and pleaded for a chance to redeem himself in my eyes. I gave him my number, and we walked to my house.

Trust me to gist mummy about it!

My phone went on a ringing spree for the night and a few days after. Sometimes I would answer, sometimes, I would enjoy my ringtone.  I started to ask myself : “who send you?”

Dangerous would call me and say everything and anything  to see me!  This kain tenacity? I gave in. Asked him to come to my house after maghrib and he showed up. I was welcomed by a very pungent reek of alcohol just as I opened the gate, and an insane attempt to hug me! I dodged it the way Arsenal dodges success! I couldn’t believe it, he was drunk, again! I felt like a fool, how I assumed the first time was an accident is a miracle to me. But honestly, he’s more than fun when he’s drunk.

Forgive me O Lord!

Dangerous is a rich kid (manbaby) who’s spoilt to the ‘T’ but very unassuming. His first problem was drinking, and the second one which is bigger than the drinking is that he sees nothing wrong with it, he told me: “shan giya ba iskanci bane”. He spoke like a monarch, slowly, and you know the trips of high now…. Lol. I liked the way he spoke slowly and deliberately though he didn’t make sense often. He made me laugh so we became good friends. Sometimes he would visit drunk, other times, sometimes sober with clear vision. I never knew drinking was such a useless thing until one evening he came and kept banging our gate! It was so loud, and so unruly, mum came to the gate herself. I followed behind, only for her to open and I saw him. In my mind, I screamed a thousand times “e don happen!” He was dead drunk. Oh ni Fatima! He saw her and went down with all humility to greet her. I was shocked. He introduced himself to her as her in-law! I wanted so bad for someone to lend me wings to just fly and go! The accusatory look that came my way from mummy made my intestines dry. That’s how this drunk boy kept telling my mum how in love with me he was, and how he wanted us to be married as soon as possible. If anything untied the knots of malaise in my belly, it was the hysterical laugh mum burst into. I clearly remember her asking “yarinyan nawa zaka aura?”

His courage was admirable, because he answered, “eh mana mama, don’t worry, in ta aure ni zan daina shan giya, zata gyara ni, nifa ba dan iska bane”. It was at that point she realised he was insane, so she turned back and left me standing. I begged him to leave and never come back, it’s not this kind of wahala I need in my life. Brother I don’t trouble, just come and be going!!

 

I went back in with a face saying “just don’t talk mummy, I can’t explain”, but she saw me and started laughing, ” mai  kala kala, a ina kuma kika samo wannan?”. She couldn’t stop laughing, then got serious and honestly got perplexed by his saying I’d ‘change’ him after marriage. She went on and on about how wrong it was to marry ladies off to damaged men in the hope of changing them. She went from warning and admonishing me, to teasing and imitating him so swiftly that it lasted almost the whole night. She asked for his name, I said ‘dangerous’, and her ‘a’uzubillahi’ almost made me choke! I’m sure she spent that night on her feet praying for me!  Bless her sweet soul.

Sometimes, the devil clearly uses my  head to dance skelewu! Dangerous didn’t stop coming, so I took it upon myself to start preaching to him about his habits. If it wouldn’t “change” him, maybe it would push him away! None happened, he didn’t stop knocking our gate, and he didn’t stop drinking, matter of fact, he started calling me “Ummah”, that’s what he calls his mum! One day I talked and talked about drinking for over two hours, his head was down, I was jumping in my head thinking he was feeling the impact of my talk, only for him to stun me with his epic response:”are you done, Ummah? I told you, marry me and change me, kin tsaya nan wai kina mun wa’azi, giya shine iskanci? Bana bin matar wani, bana sata, in fact, you’re lucky I’m not gay!”

See gbese o! I’m even the one who’s lucky! Dangerous stuck to me like lies on a new drug addict. On one of his sane days, he called his grandma and had me talk to her, the old woman actually believed I was his girlfriend, she said “yace kina hakuri dashi, I know that, being with Imran one needs patience, in kuka yi aure….” Sorry o grandma, I hung up! God forbid, I didn’t wait to hear what she had to say, and I also asked myself if he used to drink and give her small! God forgive me! Another time he said I should talk to his mum. The look I gave him ensured that talk never came up again!  Imran Dangerous actually became dangerous, the boy became a threat to my sanity! He became like a shadow to me, once I threatened to have him seriously beaten up by my seven brothers, and he said ‘I’ve befriended two, I’ll soon tell them we’re in love!”

I didn’t know what to say to beat that so I kept walking and like a tail, he kept “wagging” behind me and asking me to marry him “kina wani yi kaman baki sona”. Oh ni Patu! I stopped and asked him if I looked like a rehab to him, he said “no, you look like a wife, my wife, my savoir” as much as I wanted to help him, I couldn’t do that to myself! I created a barrier between us with the help of my brother (the very muscular one) who warned him well well for me! I can’t shout! I cannot come and go and kill myself.

Me my own is that you cannot be any one’s savior! Your last name is not Jesus! Remember that and keep it moving.

One evening, I met a guy called Imran. Handsome Boy with a  beautiful name, until he ruined it for me with his pseudonym ‘dangerous’, which apparently, was more popular than his actual name, then I realised when he started talking that he was utterly drunk, trust me, I zoomed off! (I can’t come and go and kill myself!)

We met again, one afternoon and he appeared to be in his right senses. He beckoned with his hand for me to come, but I was very reluctant. He noticed and I felt a bit embarrassed by my actions when he got to me apologising profusely for the day we met, and pleaded for a chance to redeem himself in my eyes. I gave him my number, and we walked to my house.

Trust me to gist mummy about it!

My phone went on a ringing spree for the night and a few days after. Sometimes I would answer, sometimes, I would enjoy my ringtone.  I started to ask myself : “who send you?”

Dangerous would call me and say everything and anything  to see me!  This kain tenacity? I gave in. Asked him to come to my house after maghrib and he showed up. I was welcomed by a very pungent reek of alcohol just as I opened the gate, and an insane attempt to hug me! I dodged it the way Arsenal dodges success! I couldn’t believe it, he was drunk, again! I felt like a fool, how I assumed the first time was an accident is a miracle to me. But honestly, he’s more than fun when he’s drunk.

Forgive me O Lord!

Dangerous is a rich kid (manbaby) who’s spoilt to the ‘T’ but very unassuming. His first problem was drinking, and the second one which is bigger than the drinking is that he sees nothing wrong with it, he told me: “shan giya ba iskanci bane”. He spoke like a monarch, slowly, and you know the trips of high now…. Lol. I liked the way he spoke slowly and deliberately though he didn’t make sense often. He made me laugh so we became good friends. Sometimes he would visit drunk, other times, sometimes sober with clear vision. I never knew drinking was such a useless thing until one evening he came and kept banging our gate! It was so loud, and so unruly, mum came to the gate herself. I followed behind, only for her to open and I saw him. In my mind, I screamed a thousand times “e don happen!” He was dead drunk. Oh ni Fatima! He saw her and went down with all humility to greet her. I was shocked. He introduced himself to her as her in-law! I wanted so bad for someone to lend me wings to just fly and go! The accusatory look that came my way from mummy made my intestines dry. That’s how this drunk boy kept telling my mum how in love with me he was, and how he wanted us to be married as soon as possible. If anything untied the knots of malaise in my belly, it was the hysterical laugh mum burst into. I clearly remember her asking “yarinyan nawa zaka aura?”

His courage was admirable, because he answered, “eh mana mama, don’t worry, in ta aure ni zan daina shan giya, zata gyara ni, nifa ba dan iska bane”. It was at that point she realised he was insane, so she turned back and left me standing. I begged him to leave and never come back, it’s not this kind of wahala I need in my life. Brother I don’t trouble, just come and be going!!

 

I went back in with a face saying “just don’t talk mummy, I can’t explain”, but she saw me and started laughing, ” mai  kala kala, a ina kuma kika samo wannan?”. She couldn’t stop laughing, then got serious and honestly got perplexed by his saying I’d ‘change’ him after marriage. She went on and on about how wrong it was to marry ladies off to damaged men in the hope of changing them. She went from warning and admonishing me, to teasing and imitating him so swiftly that it lasted almost the whole night. She asked for his name, I said ‘dangerous’, and her ‘a’uzubillahi’ almost made me choke! I’m sure she spent that night on her feet praying for me!  Bless her sweet soul.

Sometimes, the devil clearly uses my  head to dance skelewu! Dangerous didn’t stop coming, so I took it upon myself to start preaching to him about his habits. If it wouldn’t “change” him, maybe it would push him away! None happened, he didn’t stop knocking our gate, and he didn’t stop drinking, matter of fact, he started calling me “Ummah”, that’s what he calls his mum! One day I talked and talked about drinking for over two hours, his head was down, I was jumping in my head thinking he was feeling the impact of my talk, only for him to stun me with his epic response:”are you done, Ummah? I told you, marry me and change me, kin tsaya nan wai kina mun wa’azi, giya shine iskanci? Bana bin matar wani, bana sata, in fact, you’re lucky I’m not gay!”

See gbese o! I’m even the one who’s lucky! Dangerous stuck to me like lies on a new drug addict. On one of his sane days, he called his grandma and had me talk to her, the old woman actually believed I was his girlfriend, she said “yace kina hakuri dashi, I know that, being with Imran one needs patience, in kuka yi aure….” Sorry o grandma, I hung up! God forbid, I didn’t wait to hear what she had to say, and I also asked myself if he used to drink and give her small! God forgive me! Another time he said I should talk to his mum. The look I gave him ensured that talk never came up again!  Imran Dangerous actually became dangerous, the boy became a threat to my sanity! He became like a shadow to me, once I threatened to have him seriously beaten up by my seven brothers, and he said ‘I’ve befriended two, I’ll soon tell them we’re in love!”

I didn’t know what to say to beat that so I kept walking and like a tail, he kept “wagging” behind me and asking me to marry him “kina wani yi kaman baki sona”. Oh ni Patu! I stopped and asked him if I looked like a rehab to him, he said “no, you look like a wife, my wife, my savoir” as much as I wanted to help him, I couldn’t do that to myself! I created a barrier between us with the help of my brother (the very muscular one) who warned him well well for me! I can’t shout! I cannot come and go and kill myself.

Me my own is that you cannot be any one’s savior! Your las name is not Jesus! Remember that and keep it moving.

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