What NOT To Say To A Woman Whose Husband Is Marrying Another Wife
By Fareedah Munir
In this part of the world it is not a new thing to see or hear that a man is getting married to a second,third or fourth wife being that our religion has permitted him to do so as long as he can care for both wives equally without bias. Although a wedding is a joyous occasion the first wife will be anything but happy with the new development and sometimes we find ourselves in the awkward position of having to console the wife,so here are a few tips that one should take note of when talking to her.
1.Do NOT blame her for his decision. That’s just evil. Ra’ayin shi ne.
2.Do not tell her she needs to look more attractive. That’s just insensitive.
3.Do NOT criticize how she runs her home and do NOT downplay her efforts. That’s just cruel.
4.Do NOT suggest amulets, charms, and spells! Don’t even go there. That’s just ignorant.
5.Do NOT make her go her against her husband. That’s just stupid.
6.Do NOT depress her with stories of evil co-wives and neglectful husbands. That’s just pathetic.
7.Do NOT try to console her by silly statements, “Better early than late. At least you’re young enough to compete with her”, “At least you have enjoyed him all these years, she’ll only get his remnants”, “You’re from a polygamous home, you should be used to it”, “Your mother was a third wife”… aaaaand what not. That’s just ridiculous.
8.Do NOT suggest to threaten the incoming woman! That’s not being supportive, it’s just being criminal.
You have to understand that a woman who envisioned being the only love to her husband will have a hard time when her husband decides to marry. Her whole world WILL crumble. She will have to re-plan her life and her children’s. Less time. Less love. Less moments. Less everything!
She will definitely feel undesired, unappreciated, and replaced. She will beat her self up trying to figure out where she went wrong. She will worry about the incoming wife. She will ponder nonstop about how they met. She will think about the sacrifices she made to be with him, and how it probably never meant anything to him.
She will have regrets. She will have doubts. She will have legitimate concerns. Men married to the classiest ladies, the most hardworking homemakers, and the wealthiest women have taken in second, third, and fourth wives. It’s never about the women, but the men’s choices. We need to stop bringing women down (especially because of men’s action).
Consider her emotional state of mind. Understand her turbulent thoughts. Let her make her own decisions about how she chooses to handle the situation and respect it. Our men aren’t the most courteous when it comes to remarrying. Often the wives are caught off guard (secret marriages & down-low engagements). Sometimes they marry their long time girlfriends, and that is sure to cause a stir. At times they marry women their wives already know (relatives, neighbors, friends, enemies), and that’s not so very nice.
Unfortunately, some husbands go through a mean phase when courting the incoming wife. They disregard their wives, abandon them, and change for the worse. It’s never a one size fits all, and never one solution. Until we have the polygamous etiquette down for peaceful families, for now, do NOT be another burden for a woman who’s life is about to change forever.